It goes like this..

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-09-29T15:06:00

2009-09-29T22:06:34Z

OMG SCHOOL WTF BOYS OMG LOL.

that's about it right now.

(my backpack weighs more than I do.)

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-09-19T10:25:00

2009-09-19T17:29:44Z

Today is the first day I wokeup feeling sad. I'm confused and I don't feel well and I don't ever want to do anything again. The high holidays are making me feel like shit. This is the first year in so many that I'm not observing....I feel really empty because of that. I have nothing to trust and no comfort readily available. I have zero money and zero ability to do anything about that. I can't pay bills. I can't handle my shit. And I can't stop anything.

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-08-26T11:10:00

2009-08-26T18:13:31Z

I'm more than ready to escape people who don't care about how they act towards others. When I move into my fall house I will instantly be away from drama, being the one that people take shit out on, heartache, and all that other "good shit" I've been having to deal with. I'm ready to stop feeling like no one wants me around. I'm ready to stop feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around everyone. I'm sick of my feelings being completely disregarded by everyone around me.

I'm ready for fall, and my new house, and to lose some friends.

I'm ready.

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-08-17T19:13:00

2009-08-18T02:14:36Z

shit is just constantly going down and I can't ever avoid it.

i could shake a baby im so mad.

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-07-17T18:00:00

2009-07-18T01:00:28Z

jkdsgnkjnsd

sometimes the inside of my head makes me wanna explode.

I do not caaareeeee.

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-07-11T20:25:00

2009-07-12T03:27:55Z

Summer is amazing.

(we still have so much time)

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-05-02T14:06:00

2009-05-02T21:15:33Z

Well...

I just wish things were easier.

I miss Illinois.

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-04-24T23:55:00

2009-04-25T06:56:03Z

I dont really understand how I feel

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-04-14T20:12:00

2009-04-15T03:19:58Z

Shit has been busy.
And shit has been confusing.

But it's okay, really.

I find myself thanking God for my ability to consistently fill my time with things to do. I've been working up a storm the past couple weeks and hopefully this time my paycheck won't be $45 dollars (thanks, spring break.)

Being 21 is like living in another world, I'm not even used to it. Spring term this year is oging to be such a completely different thing than it was last year, or the year before. I'm doing really well in my classes, and I'm still eating "relatively" healthy. At least I'm not sleeping in until 5 pm and then working my way through a half gallon of tequila EVERY DAY. Now it's just every OTHER day. AND it's legal.

I think writing things down is great. I should have started writing people letters about how I feel long ago. It really does work wonders.

As for feelings-- I'm pretty sick of the negative ones so I think I'm just going to expel them from my emotion database. No more jealousy, no more sad, no more self-doubt. I'm better then that and I can find a better way of expressing myself than just freezing up and bein allll like OH WHATEVA I DONT GIVE A FUCK...Because I do, some times.

Anyways, I'm still alive..you know, when I'm not working myself to death.

boo-ya.

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-03-05T21:04:00

2009-03-06T05:20:46Z

I have been feeling very happy about life lately. I'm doing a great job of making 2009 a year all about me. It's selfish, I know, but I really need to focus on what is going to make me happy and go for it. Sometimes life slows down and clicks into place and things can be good for awhile. I'm happy with art and I'm happy that boots FINALLY has an appointment to get fixed and I'm happy that all the residents at my job are the nicest people ever. I'm really excited for my future, because I'm finally at a point in my life where I realize I have one. This time two years ago I almost lost everything. It's hard to imagine feeling so sad and alone and hurt that I had to write a suicide note. I came so close to the edge and I feel like ever since then it has been a remarkable climb to get back up to steady ground. The last two and a half years of my life has changed more inside of me than I could ever picture changing. Every class, every friendship and relationship formed and every mistake and bad luck and broken hearts have just slowly carved a new life before my eyes.

And right now, I'm happy being Claire. I'm happy on working to BE Claire. I'm pretty sure I'm finally turning into someone I can stand to be around.

Take every warm feeling and cherish it. Warm is good.

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-02-19T20:16:00

2009-02-20T04:24:28Z

I just feel so numb to everything but sad.

People have been telling me for years its going to get better but I'm getting really tired of waiting for that to happen.

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-02-06T12:12:00

2009-02-06T20:20:49Z

I'm so sick of feelings.

I hate feelings.

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-02-01T12:25:00

2009-02-01T20:27:25Z

Is it FUNNY that I'm destroying every single one of my friendships and relationships one by one?

blonde_of_doom @ 2009-01-18T19:09:00

2009-01-19T03:10:37Z

im sick of backhanded comments
im sick of feeling ignored
im sick of getting in fights
im sick of feeling like shit about myself
im sick of having to take pills every day
im sick of not being with cat
im sick of everything.

blonde_of_doom @ 2008-12-29T13:41:00

2008-12-29T21:41:58Z

Portland is good for me.

I a m l o v i n g e v e r y t h i n g.

blonde_of_doom @ 2008-12-22T20:34:00

2008-12-23T04:40:50Z

I WANT TO GO TO PORTLAND I WANT TO GO TO PORTLAND I WANT TO GO TO PORTLAND

blonde_of_doom @ 2008-12-04T22:58:00

2008-12-05T07:04:59Z

If you just keep pushing through eventually you'll be able to breathe again.

blonde_of_doom @ 2008-11-14T09:41:00

2008-11-14T17:43:55Z

I take it all back.

blonde_of_doom @ 2008-11-11T11:08:00

2008-11-11T19:21:24Z

I've been kind of lonely lately.

Maybe a little insecure.

Sometimes I'm angry and sometimes I'm sad but mostly lately I've tried to be happy. I'm opening new doors, closing old ones, and moving forward, even though I'm not really sure where forward is.

I'm starting to get cold feet about moving away next year. I'm starting to get cold feet about ever wanting to meet another boy again. I'm getting cold feet about leaving the house every day and being social and going to school and I would rather just sit at home and play with Boots.

I'm sick of having to work and go to school. It should be one or the other and whichever one I choose I think I should just get money for free.

things are hard but maybe someday every step will have been worth the struggle.

I'm only 20. I have a long time to get this right.

blonde_of_doom @ 2008-11-04T09:43:00

2008-11-04T17:49:07Z

oh, PS

If you don't vote - - you completely give up your right to bitch about anything politically. So unless you filled out a ballot shut the eff up about anything.

blonde_of_doom @ 2008-11-04T09:42:00

2008-11-04T17:47:49Z

it makes me mad when i find out people voted for Mccain. Wtf.

im going to be nervous all day.

blonde_of_doom @ 2008-11-03T17:21:00

2008-11-04T01:26:00Z

oh goodness

which path to choose.

blonde_of_doom @ 2008-10-22T13:04:00

2008-10-22T20:08:57Z

And then I reversed into a parked car because I'm a dumbshit and everything falls back to shit!!!

GOD DAMNIT

blonde_of_doom @ 2008-10-16T11:20:00

2008-10-16T18:24:54Z

I smell a breakdown coming.

blonde_of_doom @ 2008-10-11T14:55:00

2008-10-11T22:07:06Z

Last night sometime between 6 pm and 2am somebody came into my home and took my laptop and ipod. The thing that freaks me out the most is that my laptop was dead in my room and the charger was out in my living room and they took both.

I'm so freaked out.